Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Walls of steel

I've had a prayer journal for over a week. It sits in my purse, empty and awaiting my prayers. It's gorgeous grid, pretty colored pages are blank. Blank with no handwriting, no prayers no doodles or scribbles. I've shown it to several people all excited but with no ambition to write inside of it. What's wrong with this picture? Is it similar to life right now, that it's so pretty that I leave it blank? That I leave friendships empty because I don't let people into my life? I have loads of friends, but true, deep friends are few and far between. Even the close friends have made complaints regarding this recently. They want to know me, to be there when I need a friend, to just let my walls down and I cannot. It has become my security blanket to not allow people to get close to me. My own husband often tells me that I don't truly trust him or even let him in, either. I don't really know how to change this... or be any other way.  It's my adapted military wife skill I suppose; something I learned that allows me to deal with moving away and not feeling extreme pain every time we move or upon every deployment... or being away from family and friends for over ten years.

I am trying to change it, but only God and time can do that... God knows my heart and will transform me into who He wants me to be and what He needs for His service. Apparently this isn't a desirable trait as it's come up A LOT lately...

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